General Malaise signed as he stood over the hidden trap door in his office. He eyed the button on the controller in his hand, and hovered his finger over it. Sure, he had it alright. He was the General and leader of the second biggest sect of the Conclave of Villainy in the entire world, and commanded thousands of underlings to perform his nefarious affairs. But there was just something so...unfulfilling about all of it. Just as he was working up the nerve to press the button, he heard the beep of his intercom.
"General," the voice called. "I brought you some lunch, if you'd care for some. Peppercorn ring-tailed lemur!"
General Malaise recognized the voice, and knew that the time was not now. "Lieutenant Badman, of course. Come on in." He crossed the room over to the table, and slipped the controller into his pocket.
Badman entered and placed the meals on the table. He was a large man in a navy blue officer's suit trimmed with black. He had his medals hanging on the front of his jacket, though it wasn't clear what any of them was for. He had his salt-and-pepper hair cut short, with an eye patch over his right eye and a monocle over his left. "So, how's everything going? I heard the whole mobile network-transmitted VDs thing is looking pretty good, eh?" He sat down and the two started into their food.
"Oh yeah," Malaise replied, allowing himself a little smile. "It's pretty terrific. Subtle. Genius." That project was still in the research department, along with many others. "All our new projects are progressing nicely, the rate of fatal accidents downstairs has skyrocketed."
"Oh! Nice." The two kept up the friendly smalltalk for only a few more minutes until there was another obnoxious beep from the intercom.
"General, it's Snivens", called the voice. Malaise instantly groaned.
"Oh sweet lord in hell what?" The general was not terribly fond of his squire. He was a young, pompous, self-important brat who was only here to learn the family business. Despite his feelings, though, Malaise had to put up with him.
"Well General, it's rather important, if you would be so kind as to let me in." There was something in his tone that suggested Malaise's day was about to get a lot worse. Reluctantly, he let Snivens in.
"What is it you-" Badman cleared his throat loudly to cut Malaise off. The general just grumbled and finally spat out "What is it?"
"Well sir, it's come to my attention that your report to the Dark Lord is imminent, and you seem not to have prepared anything at all." Snivens said.
General Malaise's face froze in a startlingly neutral look. "I'm sorry what."
"Your report with the Dark Lord. I'm sure I mentioned it to you." Snivens tried to hold back a grin, but not too hard.
Malaise started shaking from a combination of rage and fear. He struggled to keep his composure. "No...no I can't say you did, you..." He trailed off.
"Oh gosh, how forgetful of me." Snivens' enjoyment was palpable. "Well we all make mistakes, don't we? Especially you. Don't worry though, the Dark Lord has already been informed of all of those."
Malaise simply remained silent and completely still. Badman decided to chime in. "Uh...well when is the report to take place, exactly?"
The giant screen behind General Malaise lit up, and the image of a man sitting behind a large desk appeared. The man's face was completely hidden in shadow. Malaise remained completely still save for his eyes, which grew as wide as saucers.
"Ah, General Mayonnaise, how nice to see you again," the Dark Lord said almost offhandedly. He appeared to be fidgeting with something hidden behind his desk. Malaise steeled himself, and then whirled around.
"Dark Lord Lordship! The pleasure and honour are mine, as always. I have been greatly looking forward to speaking to you!" The General's mouth was working on autopilot as his mind tried to figure out what the hell he was going to say.
"Very good, son, very good. Son of a..." he muttered the last words and brought his hands up above the horizon of the desk, revealing that he was struggling with a Chinese finger trap. There was then a long, awkward moment where the Dark Lord seemed to forget where he was. The fluffy white cat on his desk looked at the monitor, then at the Dark Lord, and meowed. "Mmm? Oh right, of course. So General, I hear things are going a bit rough over there."
Malaise swallowed hard. "Well, sir, it is true that there have been some...mishaps. I mean, the radioactive flying squirrels..." He paused for a moment, trying to find his words. "We knew about the enhanced intelligence, but...who could have known that rodents had such heroic tendencies?"
"Well I should think that you should have known, General. What are my research and testing budgets going towards, anyway? OW! You stupid..." He yanked at the finger trap clumisly. Here Malaise saw his chance to spin the conversation his way.
"Oh, well, just let me tell you, your lordship...Lord...ship." Malaise glanced around awkwardly, but kept going. "We've got some great stuff in the works. Have you heard about the new team of supermen? They're so incomprehensibly evil, it almost made me sick. It's something else." For once, the general lifted his head and stood proudly.
"Supermen, eh?" Lordship seemed to be taking the bait. "What are they called?"
"Called? Oh, well..." Malaise had hoped that this wouldn't come up. "I mean it's not final or anything but...currently we've been calling them...Team Evil." Malaise winced as he said it. He knew it was going to be bad.
"Mhm, mhm..." Lordship held his bound hands still as he glanced off to the side of the monitor. "Are you...are you kidding me? The second largest sect of the Conclave of Villainy, and THAT'S what you come up with?"
"I know sir, I know," Malaise said apologetically. "It's just that...well, creativity has tested badly. I..." The general paused and shook his head slightly. "I don't know what to tell you."
"Uh huh...well testing be damned, come up with something better. I'll not have a bunch of generically named buffoons representing ME. Anonymously, of course." The fluffy cat nodded in agreement. "Well, fine, but my time is running short here, Mayonnaise." A small grunt was heard from the general. "I've got...other things going on here." He tugged at his fingers again, in vain. "Is there anything else you feel fit to tell me about?"
"Oh yes, sir, we've got tons of things going on in R&D. I mean, the mantis shrimp cannon? You've got to see it to believe it, sir. The-" Lordship cut him off.
"Listen General, tests and prototypes are all well and good, but I need to see real world RESULTS. This isn't the Conclave of...freaking...testing stuff." He seemed a bit unsatisfied with that, but kept going anyway. "I need you to step things up, or I'll find someone else who will. Oh, by the way, how's my little nephew Snivens doing?" Snivens was off to the side, out of view of the monitor, but gave Malaise a cutting smirk.
"Oh, Snivens, well...I mean...he's definitely...like...yeah...what can I say? Heh..." Malaise knew what he had to say, but he couldn't seem to do it. The words caught in his throat and meant to choke him.
"Preferably something that answers my question." Lordship said, though he was looking at his trapped fingers.
"Ah, yes. Well..." The general took a deep breath. "He's doing well beyond expectations, my lord. I wouldn't trade him for anyone." He felt like weeping.
"Excellent! Glad to hear it. Now, as I said, I must go. Grrrr." The Dark Lord seemed to be getting frustrated at the finger trap. "I'LL BE WATCHING." He bellowed. "This stupid thing...GLADYS! WARM UP THE TABLE LASER." The fluffy cat looked into the monitor dryly and hit a button on the console. The screen turned black.
"Well, that went pretty well, eh?" Snivens sounded a bit disappointed. "I'll just be going, then." He started out of the room.
"Snivens, wait," Malaise called, and Snivens stopped. "My hatred for you," the general paused thoughtfully, a finger on his chin. "...is unbounded. Do you hear me? I need you to understand that."
Snivens let out a snort of a laugh. "I shall consider it deeply, sir." Then he left the room.
"He's lying. He always lies to me, that's one of the reasons why I hate him." General Malaise glared broodingly at the door.
"Yeah...too bad he's the Dark Lord's nephew, eh? Elsewise you could just like...kill him." Lieutenant Badman had started back into his lemur.
"Yeah...too bad." Malaise looked over at his plate, but found he wasn't hungry anymore.
"But hey," Badman said in between bites. "Mayonnaise, that's pretty close, right? Getting better!"
Malaise glowered at him for a second, but then collected himself. "Say," he said incidentally. "I wonder how the wolversharks are doing."
"Well, I mean, they're probably fine, right? They're like-" Badman cut himself off as he saw the look that Malaise was giving him, which almost seemed to push him back slightly. "Ah, yes. Why don't I go have a look? It's about time for an inspection, I'd say." He nodded respectfully to the generally, and strode out of the room.
When he was gone, General Malaise sighed and walked back over to the trap door. He produced the controller out of his pocket, and hovered his finger over it again. He closed his eyes, and pressed the button.
Then, a large yellow balloon with a happy face on it fell slowly from the ceiling and bumped gently off his head.
"God damnit..."
END
WELL...I don't think this turned out quite as well as I was hoping it would, but eh. Still feels kind of good to get back into it. Hopefully I'll be able to start doing some cool stuff in the next few days and going forward from here.
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